Today I had a conversation unlike any I have had in the past with my older two daughters concerning the divorce between myself and their father. It came about completely benignly and I was totally caught off guard when I could see where our chat was going. But I treaded lightly, did not need a stick, and I think I just had a really deep chat with my little ladies.
It all started when my oldest daughter began talking about a boy in her class who has been using a good deal of profanity this school year. She said she was thinking about why he was doing this all of a sudden this year when in the years past he had not been one to use language like this. We are talking dropping the F bomb here, and while many of you may think that I need to get out of my vanilla world and come to grips with 10-11 year olds using that language, I have my hopes for our youth. I still hold true that if I am paying for private school tuition I should be able to expect certain behaviors to be off limits, but that is a whole other post.
Anyway, so my daughter tells me that this boy's parents got divorced last year, and ever since then he has been using foul language and had a bad attitude. So she understood why he may be feeling a little angry. Hmmm, this was food for thought. This was a hard pill to swallow also. Then, she made me feel better. She goes on to say that while she understood his feelings it was no reason for him to act out and be rude to other people. She said that even though her father and I are divorced she does not, and would not act out and be rude to other people because of that. She said that if he has anger towards his parents for getting divorced then he should talk to them about that. Out of the mouths of babes. I wanted to cry. Instead, I asked her the question that lead us down the next conversation, "How do you feel about Daddy and I getting divorced? Do you feel angry?"
Now I know that my daughters are among some of the most well adjusted children of divorce on the planet. Others have confirmed to me how amazing these two girls have handled the situation, and it is because they have had a village to help them handle the situation. We may not have done every thing right, but we loved those girls through everything and they know that they have nothing to do with our divorce. That being said, I was very anxious to hear the answer to my question. Is my child angry that her parents are divorced?
She ponders for a few minutes and then says, "I am not angry, but sometimes it does frustrate me, and it makes things more difficult sometimes." I gave this some thought and realized, if that is the worst thing she has to say about the situation then she must be pretty okay. She complained about the traffic driving down to where her Dad lives, which is certainly worth complaining about in this area. She complained about the amount of weekend time she does not get with me, which I understand as well. Mostly she complained about this because she wants more friend time. I get that. But she understands why we are not together, she sees we are better apart, and most importantly, she really truly understands that our divorce had nothing to do with her and her sister.
We then went on to have a conversation about my relationship with my parents, which again is a whole other blog post, and talk more about divorce in general. Both girls expressed displeasure with not being able to have both parents participate in things together, which I respect and understand. I would love for that to be different, but my desire alone to have cohesion even in the face of divorce is not enough. I can try to piece Humpty Dumpty back together, but if he won't cooperate nothing I do is going to stick.
It is hard to be divorced, and even harder when it involves children. I am so happy to be so connected to my kids. They are my heart, my world. I am so happy they do not burden their hearts with blame for their parents not being together. I am so happy that they know they are loved by both their parents, their step-parents, and everyone in their family. I am so happy that this occurrence has not stumped their emotional growth, and mostly I am happy that they know they can confide in me, and talk to me about their feelings. I love my girls more than anything in the world, and I would lasso the moon for them if I could.
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