When To Step In??

When your kids are fussing and arguing with one another, when do you step in and intervene? Do you wait until things escalate to a physical level? Are there magic words that trigger you to say enough is enough? What is it that takes you from 'let them work it out,' to 'oh hell no, not in my house!'

I am lucky in the sense that while my two oldest do experience sibling rivalry it has been thus far pretty tame. There is usually some tattling, some she said/she said and the occasional stomping off in a huff. But for the most part, at 11 & 9, they have not yet worked my total last nerve. But they do argue, frequently.

Part of the problem is the complete opposite ends of the spectrum on which their personalities lie. My oldest is headstrong, confident, bossy and generally thinks she knows almost everything. Her younger by two years sister tends to be more insecure, and not have the voracity for life her sister does. She prefers to spread the love, leave the mess, and half-ass whatever chores she has because she does not like doing them. I hate to be brutal, but it's true. She is also the most affectionate of the two, and would give the shirt off her back to anyone, including her bossy, know-it-all sister.

Last night is a perfect example of how it goes here. They are Rainbow Loom obsessed, as are most kids their age right now. So they set up in the master bedroom to do a band exchange while we watched our nightly wind-down bit of tv. For those who do not know, the Rainbow Loom is a device on which you use small plastic rubber bands to make bracelets, rings, or other little creations. It has been all the rage for a little while now.

Anywho...within minutes, the bargaining table had degraded into a yelling match. The younger sister did not want to give up any of her white bands, and the older sister was desperate for the white bands. There were some successful trades, and negotiations. I heard a couple instances in which I felt the older sister was trying to take advantage of the younger one, but was pleasantly surprised when the younger one did not fall for the trickery.

I let them go on, bickering and all, until I heard the sentence, "Why won't you trade that, you're just stupid." That is when I called foul, and told them to put it all away. I will not tolerate either of them calling the other stupid. I know there are far worse names to be called, but in my mind it all starts somewhere.

If I let her get away with calling her sister stupid, what will she call her next? When will she lose her mind and call me stupid? How does calling her stupid help the situation at all? The answer is it does not help, it is not okay, and she better not call me stupid, ever.

My breaking point is name calling. You can disagree, you can argue. But if you stoop to name calling, that is when I call foul and send you both to neutral corners.

And all I was trying to do was watch Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer!!!

One Grain of Sand at a Time....

I love this quote because I often try the whole life overhaul and when I fail I feel beat down. I cannot figure out why I cannot eat healthy, exercise every day, keep the house spotless, the kids eternally happy and cooperative, the spouse happy, and the dog adequately walked, while I myself look like I stepped out of a magazine every day.

I have much more success when I take on little changes and build from there. You know, like the pyramids. One block at a time, one grain of sand at a time if you need. You cannot make life sweeping changes that will stick, overnight. Be realistic in your expectations of yourself.

When we start the new year, which is soon again can you even believe it?!?! We claim that this year will be better, we will eat healthy, workout every day, be positive every day. We claim that we are going to be totally different than we have been in years past. Why? What is so bad about who you are that every time a new year rolls around you feel you need a complete overhaul? Yes, we should exercise regularly, yes we should eat healthy, yes we should do our best to maintain kindness towards others. But these things should not be part of an overhaul we need. I get it, we get addicted to junk food. I get it, we do not exercise because we are just too darn busy to fit it in. Those things are best added in small doses to ensure successfully sticking with them.

What is it in your life that you are so unhappy about? Is it your job? Is it the way you parent? Is the spouse you are to your partner? What are you so desperate to change about yourself, and why? Yes, change is possible, and probable if done correctly. But do not beat yourself up if you backslide, to err is human, remember. If you are unhappy with your job, do not quit until you have a new job. Do not come home and dump your angst on your spouse every day. Realize that you are where you are for a reason. Then, brainstorm with ways to change your situation. Share THAT with your spouse, he or she may be able to help you. Determine where your passion lies, and how you can get there. Share THAT with your spouse, he or she may be a valuable asset to you accomplishing your goal which will bring you closer together.

Are you in need of some parenting tweeks? Do you constantly yell at your kids, with no result, or even worse with the result that they just become upset? Maybe you should take a parenting class, there is no shame in learning new skills, it is for the sake of your children. Leave all pride at the door. Maybe you need to seek counseling for anger that is being focused on the children. Maybe that is how your parents treated you, stop and think how it made you feel about your parents, is that how you want your children to feel about you? Obviously not, if it is an overhaul you are trying to make.

Whatever changes you desire to make you need a plan of action, not just the notion that you need a change. You need to figure out what your end goal is, and formulate a plan on how to get from point A to point B. And then you need to come up with a contingency plan, because you will need one at some point. Next, be real with yourself, you may fail, several times. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again. Try as many times as it takes until you get it right. Make as many plans as you need.

Seek support from friends and family. These people are here to lift you up, to inspire you. Any one that tears  you down with criticism need not be in your circle. Surround yourself with the people that are where you want to be, and become the best student ever. Stop trying to pretend you have it all together, you do not. No one has it ALL together. We are human, and to err is human.

Once you have found the support you need for change, there is another step in that process. Be the support for someone else. One of the best ways of learning something is to teach it. When you have your basic foundation, start looking to help those around you. You will feel inspired within yourself to do more, change more, do better, stay on track. You will also be inspiring others to make small changes which lead to big changes in their own lives. How awesome will it feel when you have not only accomplished your own goals but been a support for someone else to accomplish their own, and for them to support someone, and so on and so forth.

So about this whole "I'm fat," thing....

There was a story a while back where a mom outlawed use of the word fat around her child or something like that. I thought she was a little kooky for it, but hey, it was all out of love and efforts to protect her daughter.

Yesterday, I got to thinking. Maybe she has something. I mean, outlawing a word around your child will only work for so long, like until your kid goes to school. But I know I frequently refer to myself as feeling fat, or my fat ass, or something along those lines.

Now, while I am joking, mostly, I am beginning to wonder if one of my daughters would ever begin to take my comments personally, because she is build like me. So I have to wonder if she considers herself fat?? I know she has commented on being short, but hey that is beyond anyone's control. She is not short, she is average, but most of her classmates are ABOVE average. So she feels short.

One time she did make a comment about wanting to exercise more, to be in better shape. I asked her how much better shape she could possibly be in, because she looked pretty in shape to me. She pointed out her slight little tummy. The only place on her body where she has any body fat. Which is exactly how I referred to it.

She has a tendency to have the highest of expectations of herself, a bit anal retentive at times. She is a control freak to the utmost. She is a first born daughter. She strives academically, knows everything there is to know and will share it with anyone who needs to be told.

She also has a heart of gold, is the most well-behaved child I could have EVER asked for, and is so naturally beautiful it is almost scary. She is as smart as they come, as driven as they come, and as amazing as the come.

I think I will stop referring to my fat ass, my feeling fat, and whatever else I do to knock myself down. I think my own ego and hers will be all the better for it.

Passion

Do you have passion in your life? Do you wake up every day unable to wait to start your day? Do you love what you do with your life? Do you feel fulfilled, motivated? If not, why?

It's easy to get lost in the minutiae of life. It is easy to lose yourself in mundane, every day tasks and forget that you are a miracle. We view our children as miracles, yet as we get older we forget that we were once those children. Our parents once viewed us the miracles in their lives, and they probably still do.

Do you view yourself as a miracle in your own life? I know I don't. I have a whole complex where I put other people's needs first and then wonder why my own needs are not being met. It's something I am working on. Do you make yourself your own first priority? Odds are I would bet you view your children as your first priority. But, if something happened to you, it would hit them i the most profound way possible. So do you not at least owe it to your children, and yourself, to make YOU your top priority. You are teaching them self-esteem, self-confidence and independence. You are showing them how to treat themselves. When your children see mommy or daddy taking care of themselves first, they learn they too have to care for themselves first and foremost.

This will help your children not find themselves in abusive relationships, co-dependent relationships, or unhappy situations in general. Your children will grow up loving themselves too much to allow anyone to take advantage of them, or treat them with disdain. Your children will see their own value, early on, and be able to confidently go into the world and know exactly what they want and how to get it.

All that simply by making YOU a priority. Is that not a powerful feeling? You have the capacity to change your own life, and your children's simply by taking the best care of YOU that you can. Why oh why do we all not jump on this bandwagon?!  Because we were taught somewhere along the way that this is selfish. We were convinced that selfish behavior is ALWAYS bad. There are some positive aspects to some selfish behavior.

Being selfish is okay when it does not come at the expense of others. You can have a spa day as long as your bills are paid, and your kids are cared for first. You can go on vacation as long as the mortgage payment is on time and you have food in the fridge. Your selfish behavior has to match what your abilities are first. If you can only swing a self-manicure due to money being tight because you are a one income family, then you find the joy in that. You allow yourself the pampering and care that your life can support.

If you cannot afford to join a gym, find some stairs to run up and down, do push-ups and crunches, or jump rope. But take care of yourself! We have to balance taking care of ourselves, and making ourselves our first priority with what we can realistically afford monetarily, emotionally and mentally.

The lessons your children will learn are invaluable, and all you have to do is make yourself your first priority. It is a win-win situation.

Letting Go....

There is a sense of relief that comes when you finally stop putting effort into something that is a black hole of emotion. You know, those people or situations that just keep taking and taking, without any giving back.

Sometimes these situations happen with a significant other, family member or a friend. Maybe you just went through a divorce and your ex is extremely bitter and vindictive. You cannot change that. You cannot him get over his anger and hurt. You cannot force him to act like a grown up, if he insists on acting like a child.

The same with family. Maybe you have a sibling that just refuses think about anyone but himself. He does not remember your birthday, call for Christmas or just to say hello. You call every week, plus on every special occasion known to man.

Either way, you are left feeling frustrated, hurt and disappointed, and why? Because you had an expectation of certain behavior from these people. When you let go of expecting certain people to behave a certain way, you will lose the hurt and frustration. But how the heck do we stop expecting things of our loved ones?!?! It is not easy, I struggle every day. But I will say this, when I can do it, when I can let go of expecting a person to behave the way I KNOW they should, I do feel better.

I believe it is all tied to ego. When someone "wrongs" us, we feel hurt, wounded and like they should have to make it right. When in reality, we only have control over how we react, and act. That is not to say let people walk all over like a doormat. Set boundaries, and enforce them. If your sibling does not call you, and that bothers you, say something. Tell him you wish he would remember your birthday. If he continues to disregard you, you have two choices either accept it and let go of your hurt, or walk away. Yes, walk away from your sibling. Not necessarily forever....but detach yourself from what is obviously an unhealthy relationship. Maybe once he realizes you are removing yourself he will stop and look at why.

As I said before, the only control we have is over our own actions. To steal a phrase from Dr. Phil, "You teach people how to treat you." If people are mistreating you, it is time to teach them a new way, a way in which you respect yourself enough to NOT put up with rotten behavior.

Let go, you cannot make people act any way but how they choose to act. Instead, lead by example.

Disorganized Chaos...

So I blogged about this topic yesterday, but I am going to hit it again today also because I think it is important to discuss this aspect of child development.  Yesterday's blog titled, "I Am Raising A Hoarder..." was about my 8 year old daughter.  She is the sweetest, most loving child, and she is a pack rat.  She is beginning to forget to turn in assignments, forget to turn in folders, and instead of cleaning her room is trying to get away with shoving things in her closet.  She claims forgetfulness every single time, but I know that it is more than forgetting, it is being disorganized. 

I know some of you are wondering what exactly I think is the big trauma here, she is 8 years old and most of them are irresponsible.  My problem is that it is effecting her school work, and she is becoming increasingly disorganized.  I read an article today about disorganized children.  I felt better after reading it because honestly, it feels good to know I am not alone by far. 

Some of the tools the article outlines are really key in most kids' lives.  Teaching kids how to prioritize, how to organize, and realize that these tools are not always innate behaviors that everyone has in themselves.  It is important to guide children through the process of not only learning these tools, but also in incorporating them into their daily routines to make sure that they stick. 

Basic Guidelines

Some simple, basic steps in beginning to organize our children is to make sure they have a daily routine.  The more routine their day is the less stress is created in the unknown.  My kids come home every day and have a snack and do homework immediately.  They know this, there is no question, it is just our routine.  So I make sure that every day we follow this simple routine.  At 7 P.M. we go upstairs every day so that the older two girls can shower and I can bathe the baby.  Whatever time is left between then and 8 P.M. on school nights is their television time.  This is our routine, and most people that have ever even been to our house can tell you it runs like clock work.

With my middle daughter I will need to add a couple new steps to our routine.  For instance, along with homework, I am going to need to add cleaning out her back pack.  I looked in it yesterday, and I think Jimmy Hoffa is buried in there.  This is a simple task that can be easily added into our routine, but it is going to take my commitment to helping her establish it in her routine.

Another basic guideline in organizing a disorganized child is talking to them about their daily grind on the job, aka school.  Just asking if their homework has been finished is not good enough.  There needs to be a meeting of the minds, and a sharing of the calendars on a regular basis.  This way, parents know when book reports are due, exams are scheduled, and what is going on in the child's week and can help regulate stress.  The more a child is prepared, the less disorganized and chaotic they will be.  This only leads to healthier study habits, and better organization. 

For my peanut, she has a daily planner that her assignments are listed in and we go through it regularly.  We will begin to go through it even more, and plan ahead the time that she will be working on things like projects and reports.  That way, I can keep an eye on what she has due when, when she should be done with a project, and she can have work done without that last minute procrastination push.

Outlining Expectations

It is important that parents have realistic expectations of their children.  Otherwise, they will feel like they can never meet what their parents want of them which can lead to real emotional issues down the line.  We have to remember that they are kids, and they should act like them.  We are to guide and teach them, not brow beat and criticize them.  I found a great site that that outlines stages in child development.  The site first breaks down child development by age groups, and then further breaks down what the expectations can be for each age group socially, educationally, and emotionally. 

This is a great tool for parents to refer to when dealing with a new stage with all of their children.  I have never had this issue with my oldest daughter, so this is new territory for me, even though I have three kids.  There is never a dull moment with kids, and just when you think you have it figured out they will throw you a curve ball. 

Once the age appropriate expectations are identified by the adults, and expressed to the children, then it is time to make sure actions are put into place.  Follow through means everything.  Without consistency, there is no change in a child's life.  They need repetition, routine, and reward.  With the repetition and the routine will come the reward. 

My daughter is going to finish this school year strongly, we made a pact on that one.  We have agreed to implement some new expectations into our routine, and we will soon reap the rewards.  She is going to learn that being organized and on task has its own benefits beyond making everyone happy.  She is going to see that hard work does feel good, and that Jimmy Hoffa is too heavy to be lugging around in that back pack of hers.  Onward and upward. 

I Am Raising A Hoarder....

I am at my wits ends.  I have lectured, yelled, taken away things, etc.  I feel like there is something about my 8 year old that makes her inherently a hoarder.  She has a problem parting with anything, even pieces of paper.  I have never seen anything like this.  I have no explanation, no reason, no logic.  She seems almost emotionally attached to everything she owns. 

Today she was cleaning her room and asked me what to do with a large shoe box that she had decorated for her class Valentine's Day party.  VALENTINE'S DAY?!?!  I asked her if there was anything still in the box and she told me that there were the cards from her classmates.  I felt bad afterwards, but I just looked at her and said, "You have to throw this stuff away! You will get more cards from the same kids next year, THROW THEM AWAY." 

I was busy nursing the baby, so I asked the oldest sister, who is 10 to check on the room after she claimed to be finished cleaning.  Well, of course the warden found plenty wrong with it, but she was right!  There were wadded up tissues in an empty tissue box, pony tail holders randomly about, and just stuff. 

I immediately went looking to see if Hoarders was on television right that moment, sadly it was not.  I have it set to DVR now, because I explained to her that is where she is headed if she does not get this under control.  I guess I am hoping to scare her straight?!?!  I want her to see what an unhealthy obsession with stuff looks like.  I want her to see what happens when people cannot let go of things. I am not saying she WILL be a hoarder, but hey, it has to start somewhere. 

I do not know any other way to get through to her.  I asked my mother, that is how desperate I was.  She informs me that she herself was the same way as a child.  She said she eventually just grew out of it...ugh.  Okay, so I have some hope, a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.  I mean my mom is a clean freak, so really, this does give me some solace. 

I am still going to give her a taste of Hoarders...scare her little butt straight. 

That PITA In Aisle 3....

BAHAHAHAHA!!!!  How many times have you thought this??  You know you have, whether you were at the grocery store, the doctor's office, the park, where ever. 

We have all seen the kids who overrun their parents, the kids who are way too sugared up, way too out of control, and way too whiny.  We have all seen them, but here is a question, what do you do when you see it?  Have any of you ever actually said something to the parents? I know I have not.  I have however said something to my own children the nanosecond we got into the car.  I think every moment has a lesson to glean and this is no exception.

I have literally gotten my kids into the car only to turn around and say, "Did you notice that boy that was screaming at his mother in the candy aisle?  Let me just say, that behavior is completely unacceptable in our lives, and I will not ever tolerate that the way she did."  Usually my kids are as put off as I am at the defiant, obnoxious sorts, thank goodness. 

We all have our ups and downs.  We all have good days and bad days with our children.  I would like to think that little Johnny throwing a tantrum over candy is just having a bad moment, but I am more inclined to believe that little Johnny behaves like this regularly, because it gets him exactly what he wants.  He is engaged in guerilla warfare with his parents, and he is winning.  They are overworked, under paid, and over tired.  They have given in, and Johnny knows it.

Combatting Picky Eaters

One of the biggest compliments I get is that my kids are great eaters.  This goes across the board with all three girls.  My 19 month old daughter's favorite food is broccoli, and next to that is avocado.  She also loves bean sprouts.  My older daughters are great eaters also, they love spinach, broccoli, peppers, etc.  This is not a situation in which I just got lucky three times.  It is no happy accident that I have three kids who eat well, and appreciate healthy fruits and vegetables. 

From the time they started eating solid foods I pushed fruits and more so vegetables.  Starting as early as possible I started feeding them every veggie I could, even the ones that I do not particularly care for myself.  It  is important that kids develop their own tastes.  Just because I did not like brussel sprouts as a child does not mean my kids would hate them.  As a matter of fact I discovered that when cooked properly, those things are quite delicious!  Who knew?!?!  I have a deal with my girls regarding new foods.  If they give it one or two bites, real bites not little nibbles that you cannot even see on the spoon, and they do not like it then they do not have to eat it.  All I ask is that they try, and they do.  I think having the ultimate say over whether or not they are going to be eating this food has made a world of difference.  They know there is no fight, just try it, give it a fair shot, and if you do not like it, then that's okay.  But here is the catch, the next time I make it (which will not be for a while) you have to try it again.  Maybe I will try to cook it differently, season it differently, or your taste buds have matured enough to palate the food now.  But you have to give it a true shot, every time. 

In saying that, it is important that I say something to all my parents out here.  If your child tries something and really just does not like it, then you have to be real about how frequently you cook it.  You really do have to consider their preferences when you are planning meals, get them involved, it makes a difference. 

My girls love to help cook dinner.  They are constantly asking how something is made, what is in it, what they can do to contribute to the meal also.  They have a vested interest in what they are going to be eating, and guess what, that also makes them want to try things even if they are unsure how it is going to taste.  Are you seeing the control theme throughout this post yet??  It is true, kids want to be a part of what decisions effect them, and what they eat is one of those decisions.  I have never had to have a show down at the dinner table, ever.  I have never had to bargain with my kids to eat all their vegetable, or anything, in order to get something else.  I have, however, hidden vegetables in my oldest daughter's smoothies when she was a toddler. 

We all know that toddlers are wonderful little beings, until they discover free will.  Then it is on like Donkey Kong.  My oldest daughter went through a phase where she would not eat vegetables, but she was 18 months old.  She only wanted fruits.  I kept offering them at almost every meal in every way I could think to prepare them.  She refused to eat them.  I even said something to the doctor, who informed me it was a phase, and she would return to her normal veggie loving self in time.  Well that was all fine and good but not enough for me to feel better.  Every morning this child asked for a fruit smoothie, which I happily made for her.  Then, one morning, I decided to see what would happen if I added the leftover broccoli that she refused from dinner the night before.  I upped the amount of fruit a little bit, and voila!  She drank it without any issue.  She had no idea that she was drinking a broccoli smoothie, but I felt better about her getting the nutrients that I was paranoid about her missing.  Eventually, after I continued to offer veggies, she came around, and began eating regularly again. 

It was a control issue, she was standing her ground against doing something she knew I really wanted her to do.  I just got creative.  I felt better, and relaxed more about her not devouring the veggies, and she picked up on my feelings.  She relaxed her grip on controlling what was going into her mouth when she felt that her feelings were being respected.  I know it may sound silly to be talking about a child who was 18 months old when this happened, but trust and believe, this is the reality of it.  Toddlers are little people, they have personalities, and traits that adults have also.  We have to learn how to communicate in their language since they are unable to communicate in our completely.  When I gave my child the understanding that I was not going to control what she ate, she ate everything in sight.  My job as a parent was to get creative and yes, sneaky.  This same child now wants to go to culinary school and someday be a chef.  She eats just about anything.  She loves to cook, and loves to try new foods. 

My 19 month old daughter is currently a vegetarian.  She eats all types of veggies, fruits, grains, etc.  Now, that is not to say she eats everything because she does not.  But I keep offering everything because at some point she will probably begin to like the things she does not care for right now, like peppers.  I make sure that whatever we are eating, there is enough that I know for sure she does like, and then give her a little of the other things that she may or may not care for also.  It is a balance, but one that will make the future so much easier.  No more, my child only eats chicken nuggets and fries, or worse.  Kids are going to go through phases of preferences, yes, but we have to be diligent as parents in offering things to them.  We have to walk the tightrope of control, never fully relinquishing it, but giving our children enough of it themselves that they feel like we respect them.  That is what picky eating is about, control. 

If you have a picky eater, start out slow.  Buy a kids cookbook and let your child pick out a recipe for you to make together.  Something easy and simple, just to put your toes in the water at first.  When they see that they created something, and they like it, they will want to do it again, and again.  Get creative, get sneaky if you have to, but most of all, get proactive!  Get kids involved, and they will overcome their pickiness.  If you give them a good, healthy example, they will follow.  We are the biggest influence in our children's lives, and it is our obligation as their parents to make sure that we are positive influences. 

Responsibility

On Friday my middle daughter lost ten dollars.  She went on a field trip and I gave her ten dollars just in case they stopped at the gift shop at the museum.  She apparently put the money in her lunch bag, instead of her jacket pocket.  When I asked her if they were able to buy anything, she said no they did not go to any gift shop.  So I asked her what she did with the money, and the look on her face said it all.

She told me that she put it in her lunch bag, and forgot to take it back out.  So the money got thrown in the trash.  I was silent.  She felt bad, I could see it immediately.  But here is the thing, she was irresponsible with the money.  I did not yell at her, or even say much of anything.  I think that made her even more uneasy. 

I did tell her that she will be working that money off.  I told her that I knew it was a mistake, but that I gave her responsibility and she made a mistake, and this was how she would repay the mistake.  I also made sure to remind her that mistakes happen to us all, and we all have to make up for them. 

She did a couple extra little things this evening, fed the dog without being asked or told.  She did not complain when asked to go downstairs and let the dog back in the house from the yard.   She was even more helpful with her little sister this evening at the park. I know she learned her lesson. 

How do we parents decide what is the proper punishment for certain behaviors? What punishment fits what crime.  I know this can lend itself to be a heated discussion as some of us view certain punishments as appropriate where others of us do not.  I am not going to be discussing spanking right now.  It will be a topic I discuss later, but that one deserves a post totally to itself.  Right now I am just focusing on this situation. 

Let us recap the crime in question to be able to adequately determine the charge on this eight year old little peanut....

Okay, so my eight year old accidentally threw away my ten dollars because she was having too much fun on her field trip and got a little careless.  I asked her why she did not keep it in her pocket, to which she said they were told not to bring their jackets.  Hmm, okay, well her P.E. uniform (the uniform they had to wear that day) does not have pockets in the shorts or the shirt, so she had to be a little thrown about what to do with the money.  I will give her that. 

So then she decides to put the money in her lunch bag, the only thing she has left to actually carry something inside.  Okay, not the best place, but if I put myself in an eight year old mind I can see where she feels no other option.  Then they go to the museum and start having fun....la la la...fun fun fun. Okay, now it is lunch time.  They are still amped up, having a great time and they are all hanging out, eating together. 

She eats her lunch, shoves the trash back inside the lunch bag, and throws the whole thing away.  There it is, her crime.  Her slip out of common sense and all that she knows to be right in the world.  Well, maybe that is a little dramatic, but I have to keep you guys enthralled over here right?!?! 

Okay, so she could have given the money to her teacher and asked her what to do with it since she had no pockets, but she did not.  She was trying to be responsible for her own belongings and it backfired a little on her.  The Warden, as my children so lovingly call me, has decided to go easy on her.  She will work it off.  Some extra doggy chores, which she hates to do, some extra house chores, and a lecture here or there.  I think that punishment fits her crime.  She didn't burn the house down, or maim anyone.  She certainly knew she disappointed me, and I think that was the biggest punishment of all.  She hates that feeling, which is why I did not yell at her.  I think she has already learned a lesson here, and now I will just make sure she does not forget what she has learned. 

Make sure your punishment fits your child's crime.  Make your moments teaching moments, not just yell at them to make you feel relief moments.  It is no coincidence that the word MOM is the first part of the word MOMents....hmmm, and that is the thought I leave you with today.

Super Mom

This term gets bantered about quite a bit.  I have been called Super Mom by my husband, family, and close friends.  At first it actually made me uncomfortable, like it was a standard that I felt was impossible.  I felt like if they think I am SuperMom then where is there to go from there.

 

I have come to terms with a similar term, Super Mom.  There is a difference.  SuperMom without the space is a super hero that does not exist.  This is an idealic persona that every mom strives to be, kind of like the Barbie doll of the mom world. 

On the other hand, Super Mom indicates a mom that is super.  A mom that is loved and appreciated by her family and friends.  A woman that is flawed, and makes mistakes, but still does her best to do what is right for her kids.  She is every mom that loves her kids, her husband, and herself.  She is every mom that works, stays at home, or works from home.  She is every mom that puts the needs of her family on the top of her priority list, and does what she needs to in order to raise good, contributing members of society.  She is real.

 

Being a SuperMom is like trying to be Batman, you can try but somewhere along the way the costume is going to get really hot and uncomfortable and you may not be able to get out of the Bat mobile very well.  And good luck fitting your groceries or soccer equipment in that thing.  At some point those moms that portray themselves as SuperMom have to come back to reality, and realize that they are Super Moms just like the rest of us doing our best. 

It is time we let go of unrealistic expectations and levels of performance that are just plain unattainable.  Do your best, that is all that anyone can do, their very best.  To continue to perpetuate a life in which we teach our kids there is no room for error is to err anyways.  We have to teach our children that is okay to screw up, we are human, it happens.  It is what you do with it that really matters.  Live life, learn lessons from your mistakes and others'.  Treat others the way you wish to be treated and you cannot go wrong.  

It is important for our children to see us fall every now and again so they can watch us pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and get back in the saddle.  They need to learn through example, and that example is always first and foremost their parents. 

So, I say, you can have the cape, the mobile, whatever super hero gadget or gizmo comes with the title.  You can have the super powers, including the x-ray vision.  You can keep the bat signal, the invisible plane, well wait, that would be really cool to have.  Especially with airlines charging so much to go anywhere nowadays.  Sorry, my train of thought derailed on me for a second there.  Anywho, keep your gadgets and gizmos, I will gladly keep my title of Super Mom over being SuperMom any and every day of the week.  I would rather be comfortable being me, flawed and imperfect, than to stress every day over trying to perpetuate a smoke screen of perfection.  It is far more fun and fulfilling this way in my opinion.   

Sooo It Happened Again.

Being a stay at home mom has some inherent BS that comes along with the title.  First and foremost is a feeling of complete and total disrespect from those that do not stay at home, would not stay at home, and think those of us that DO stay at home are lazy.  This happens more times than I care to even acknowledge.  It can come from other moms, from dads, husbands, neighbors, whomever.  It hurts, and I do not know if these people realize that how insulting they are being.

I get up between 5-6 every morning.  I start cleaning, making lunches for the kids, doing whatever household chores will need to get started.  I also make time to sit down and get online.  Yes, I really do.  Most of the rest of my day I will be chasing my toddler around while trying to clean my house, and teach her shapes and colors, cook for her, run errands, chauffer her sisters to and from school, etc.  So yes, I take some personal time and blog, check Facebook, whatever I want to do at O'dark thirty in the morning.

The rest of my day is centered around the tornado that is my toddler.  She does not like to nap, still nurses, and is a ball of energy.  I love her to the moon and back and would not trade a moment with her.  What I do trade is any sense of privacy, any hobby I had previously, any sense of freedom that I had without a toddler attached to my hip.  That is okay, I find my moments.  Yes, I wish they were longer and not at the ass crack of pre-dawn, but whatever.  I digress.

The last thing anyone in my life would call me is lazy.  I may take a lazy day on the weekend, or during the week and make up for it on the weekend, but I am one of the busiest people I know.  I manage my household.  I take the kids to school, pick them up, take care of any and all appointments that they need to be at.  I make their breakfasts and lunches, the hubby and I share dinner responsibilities.  We do not eat out.  I would say we have eaten out maybe 5 times in the last year...MAYBE.  We cook and eat at home.  It is time consuming, but it is our health we are talking about.

My house may not be IMMACULATE, but my mother in law tells me she has no idea how I keep up as much as I do and that she could not get done all that I do.  My friends tell me how clean and neat my house always is, and those two things together tell me I am doing a good job.  It may not meet everyone's standards, but have I mentioned the toddler that still nurses and does not nap??  Yeah, good luck....

My job is to manage a household.  My household runs relatively smoothly, without too many hiccups.  Sounds to me like I am a good manager....not a lazy, bon bon eating slug who sits around waiting for the house to clean itself. 

My 15 month old has an extensive vocabulary in both English and Spanish.  She knows sign language too.  She says please and thank you for everything.  Those things do not just happen.  Her stay at home mom makes them happen.  Could someone else teach my child these things, absolutely, but that would detract from our relationship, and bond her with someone else. 

I used to be a single, working mom, so please do not think I do not understand, I do.  I think it was easier then.  Yes, I said that.  I think it was easier for me then.  I cannot explain it, but I have other single Mom friends that have agreed with me, and others that think that statement is crazy.  But, I know I am not the only one who thinks it.

So the next time you see a stay at home mom and wonder what she does all day....smack yourself on the hand and give her a pat on the back for a job well done.

Real Illness or Hypochondriac?!?!

I am not sure if any of you out there have a child like mine, but I often have a hard time determining whether or not my middle child is actually sick or is being a hypochondriac.  She has always complained a lot of various things hurting her or not feeling well.  Most of the time just asking a few questions and paying a little special attention to her heals whatever is really ailing her, which I often think is middle child syndrome. 

Lately she has been complaining on and off of stomach aches.  She has complained a couple times that she has thrown up, but no one saw her, heard anything, and she was completely fine directly following her apparent vomitting episode.  But this past Sunday I finally got my proof that there is something going on. 

I picked the girls up from their dad's house, and upon arriving at home they got ready for bed.  A few minutes after bed time she came into my bedroom and complained that she had thrown up.  My husband got her settled back into bed, since I was nursing the baby.  The next morning I found some residue on the toilet seat.  She had eaten stuffed shells, so it was tinged red....which at first freaked me out until I questioned what she had eaten.  So, now I KNOW she has actually thrown up at least one time.

We have a doctor appointment this morning, and I am a little nervous.  My mother thinks it is a gall bladder issue.  I wonder if it is not something like reflux.  It seems like it is always something for her.  She has terrible allergy issues, she is a teeny tiny little thing, she has a double astigmatism, and is very near sighted, etc.  She is absolutely the sweetest, most loving, affectionate, emotional child around.  She will love anyone and everyone she meets.  I feel bad that often when she is complaining about not feeling well, "Mommy, my toe hurts, and my ear hurts, and my side hurts and my finger hurts," that I feel it is mostly attention seeking.  Her grandmother tells me her dad was the same way as a kid.

I just want my baby to be okay.  She is 8 but she will always be my baby.  So if you say prayers, can you say a little one for my sweet pea.  We would both be very appreciative.

My heart aches after reading this....

Please read THIS.  I had tears in my eyes after reading this.  My heart aches for anyone and everyone raising children with mental illness, and unable to find the help that they know they need. 

Please, reach out to other parents, especially if they are in need of extra love and support.  Do not let them go through this alone.  Lend them your shoulder, something.

Co-sleeping....

What we do with our 15 month old is what I call modified co-sleeping.  She naps every day in her own bed.  At night she sleeps mostly in our bed.  Last night she slept the whole night in our bed.  After the happenings of yesterday I needed the extra snuggle of my littlest angel.  I just had to listen to her breathing, see her chest moving up and down while she slept, just know that she was okay lying there next to me. 

Typically, she wakes up frequently.  She wakes up every 1-2 hours.  I start her off in her bed, and then at some point I move her to our bed so that she can continue to nurse and I can get some sleep.  I love her snuggly little self, but I also love having my spot back in the bed.  It's a tug of war every night.  At first I was being given greatly divided advice on co-sleeping.  I turned to Dr. Sears for information.   Upon reading the information I was so happy that I am NOT in fact screwing my child up forever.  I am NOT going to smother her, thank God.  She will actually be perfectly happy and healthy. 

That being said, I am working on getting her out of my bed.  Why?  Well, as I mentioned before I am not getting as good sleep as I was before her.  I have about half the space in the bed, which leads to me being awakened mroe frequently.  I have sleep issues to begin with so this is just adding to my sleep deprivation. 

I stay at home, and thus, am with my little one all day.  So being all day, and all night, I am having a little trouble with not having any time that is alone time.  Not that I would be alone, my hubby is in the bed too.  But I need to feel like I am not constantly in Mommy mode, even if I am.  It's psychological really.  But it is my reason and therefor valid enough. 

So there are benefits to co-sleeping.  Better sleep for parent and baby (I am the odd mommy out in this one apparently), better physiology for baby, decrease in SIDS, and better emotional health.  No one says co-sleeping is necessary for a well developed child.  But co-sleeping is certainly not detrimental to a baby's health and well being.

Co-sleeping is a personal, parenting choice.  I choose to do modified co-sleeping, and that works for our family. 

Arrogance VS. Confidence

There is a fine line between arrogance and confidence.  How we define that line is a bit muddied, and how we keep our kids on the right side of that line can sometimes be difficult.  I think it is important to keep kids humble, but still proud of themselves.  They should know their shortcomings, but more so know and be proud of their strengths. 

My oldest daughter has ears that stick out, straight out.  She is well aware of this, we have discussed it in great length.  It is how God made her, how she was intended to be, and what gives her a uniqueness.  She is comfortable in her own body, and thus, when anyone says anything about her ears her response is usually, "Yes, I have big ears, and what?"  She makes it a non-issue.  That takes the helium out of any potential bully's balloon, really fast!  She has taken control of something that could otherwise bring her some grief in her life.  Instead of hiding them, having surgery, or whatever else, I taught her to embrace them, but never become arrogant about it.  She doesn't make fun of anyone else proverbial big ears, she treats people as she wishes to be treated. 

I was born with a birth defect leaving me missing one finger on each hand.  I was ridiculed as a child.  I did not know which way to turn.  I internalized every comment anyone made.  I grew up fearful, self loathing, and very sad.  There is absolutely no reason that anyone should grow up that way, especially in this day and age of technology. 

I raise my kids by the Golden Rule.  Do Unto Others As You Would Have Done Unto You.  I do not buy into that, "boys will be boys," or "girls will be girls" crap.  No, human beings will be human beings.  I teach my girls not only how to treat people, but also, how to handle the treatment that may be put unto them.  I am well aware of how things can affect the psyche of young girls, been there done that.  So I take an active role in making sure that these girls do not internalize things the way I did. 

As I said in the beginning, there is a fine line between arrogance and confidence.  It is a balancing act, constantly, with no net.  The moment our confidence makes someone else feel poorly about themselves, the line has been crossed and we are now walking through the arrogance field. 

Take care in teaching our children how to be in our society today.  Take care of their mental well being, their emotional well being, but still teach them inner strength.  Let them know about our own internal struggles, it helps them feel more attached to us, and to open up a little more.  My girls have seen me cry, have heard me yell, but most of all, have seen me smile and laugh through it all.  Be human in front of our children, so they learn how to be human in such an inhumane world.

Personal Growth

We all have some part of ourselves that needs work, some sort of baggage.  Whether from our childhoods, a physical impairment, emotional one, etc.  Everyone has something.  When we find outselves in a relationship we have to look at that other person and ask, "Is there 'something' a thing I can live with forever?"  If the answer is yes, then we have a potential life long relationship.  If the answer is no, then there are some serious questions we need to ask ourselves about why we are with that person, and for how long we intend on wasting everyone's time. 

The thing about having personal issues is that whatever they are, the owner of the issues should be working on them.  Rome wasn't built in a day, but it was built!  I think it is very important that regardless of whatever issues we are willing to live with, we should all be striving to grow beyond those issues, with the help and support of our mate, family, friends. 

It is wonderful to accept people for who they are, it is vitally important, but it is equally important to be a support to them as they grow and learn more about themselves, life, human nature, whatever they need to learn about in order to grow. 

Life is about change, growth, learning.  Life is our teacher, and it is up to us to be the best students we can be.  Don't throw your education down the toilet by getting caught up in the baggage of your life, and not working on yourself every day. 

No one will treat you better than you treat yourself, that is my Dr. Philism of the day.  But it is true, if you treat yourself like you are a worthless piece of crap, why would anyone treat you any differently. 

Love yourself enough to find your self worth, and care for yourself like you would a newborn baby.  Don't neglect or abuse your body or your mind, they are the only ones you get in this lifetime, and they really need you to thrive. 

Don't Dress Your Daughters Like Hookers.....Good Advice...

A couple Mom friends of mine "liked" this article through Facebook the other day, so I pulled it up and took a read.  I had to laugh and yet, feel sad at the same time.  I see sooo many young, really YOUNG girls out there dressing in very provocative clothing.  My oldest daughter is 8, and has no interest in anything sex related at all.  And, no I am not just being delusional.  I can see the difference in her and other girls her age.  What do I attribute the difference to??  Well, part of it I attribute to her diet, no wait, really!  I give my girls organic milk and organic whatever else I can whenever I can, but especially MILK, meats, cheeses.  I do my very best to avoid pumping the added hormones into their bodies, and THAT is what I believe makes a big difference.  Secondly, like this article advises, I don't dress them like tramps.  I don't draw attention to their rear ends with putting words like JUICY on their butt, or anything of the sort.  I let them pick out their clothes, and I have total veto power.  They go to Catholic School so they wear uniforms to school, but outside of that, they wear what they want.  Neither of my girls has ever been put into an itty bitty bikini, nor will they while I can stop it.  I do not want to objectify my daughters in any way to any body.  They have plenty of time in their lives to be sexual beings with someone who loves and respects them first.  At 8 and 6 years old, the last thing they need is male attention, unless it is the love, devotion, and parental guidance coming from their Dad or Stepdad. 

Please, don't dress your daughters like tramps.

Unspoiling Your Child...

Is your child prone to temper tantrums?  Do they work on you?  Have you given in to the screaming just because you could not handle it anymore???  My girls have never really been into temper tantrums.  When they each went through the three's (whoever said two years old was bad, never had a three year old) they each made a couple of attempts at tantrums.  Honestly, I would tell them when they were ready to stop acting like that and talk to me nicely then they could come find me, and I would walk away.  It nipped it in the bud almost immediately for my kids.  But I have seen some real doosies walking around in public.  You can tell the parents are completely at their wits ends, and just really want to through a tantrum themselves!  I read this article, and thought it had some good tips....although the first step to UNspoiling your child is admitting they are spoiled to begin with....and that often times, is the hardest part. 

Unspoil Your Child