Letting Go....

There is a sense of relief that comes when you finally stop putting effort into something that is a black hole of emotion. You know, those people or situations that just keep taking and taking, without any giving back.

Sometimes these situations happen with a significant other, family member or a friend. Maybe you just went through a divorce and your ex is extremely bitter and vindictive. You cannot change that. You cannot him get over his anger and hurt. You cannot force him to act like a grown up, if he insists on acting like a child.

The same with family. Maybe you have a sibling that just refuses think about anyone but himself. He does not remember your birthday, call for Christmas or just to say hello. You call every week, plus on every special occasion known to man.

Either way, you are left feeling frustrated, hurt and disappointed, and why? Because you had an expectation of certain behavior from these people. When you let go of expecting certain people to behave a certain way, you will lose the hurt and frustration. But how the heck do we stop expecting things of our loved ones?!?! It is not easy, I struggle every day. But I will say this, when I can do it, when I can let go of expecting a person to behave the way I KNOW they should, I do feel better.

I believe it is all tied to ego. When someone "wrongs" us, we feel hurt, wounded and like they should have to make it right. When in reality, we only have control over how we react, and act. That is not to say let people walk all over like a doormat. Set boundaries, and enforce them. If your sibling does not call you, and that bothers you, say something. Tell him you wish he would remember your birthday. If he continues to disregard you, you have two choices either accept it and let go of your hurt, or walk away. Yes, walk away from your sibling. Not necessarily forever....but detach yourself from what is obviously an unhealthy relationship. Maybe once he realizes you are removing yourself he will stop and look at why.

As I said before, the only control we have is over our own actions. To steal a phrase from Dr. Phil, "You teach people how to treat you." If people are mistreating you, it is time to teach them a new way, a way in which you respect yourself enough to NOT put up with rotten behavior.

Let go, you cannot make people act any way but how they choose to act. Instead, lead by example.

Parents Aging...

I never thought at this age I would be dealing with having two sick parents. My parents are in their late 50's and each of them has a host of medical issues. I do not have a relationship with my father, but I am besties with my mother. I am not sure which is harder to stomach. 

I have reached out several times in my life to my father. He was very absent when I was a child, and it did a great deal of damage to my psyche. Through years of counseling and self-esteem building, I was finally able to resolve a great deal of my own issues from the absence. But when I think about the potential that he could die and we do not speak, it just boggles my mind. I have to wonder, would I be welcome at his funeral? Certainly not by my grandparents, but I would by my sisters, and probably my aunt. I have a good relationship with my sisters, but not with anyone else on that side of the family. My sisters and I have hit a few bumps in the road (mostly on my behalf) but we are in a good place now. I love them dearly, and I don't think they realize how much. 

Then there is my mother. I talk to her every day, at least once. When I was a child she was...well...there is no other way to say it, she was bat-shit crazy.  I thought she was bi-polar, manic, you name it, she was it. But over the years, she has changed.....some. She is still a little crazy, but now that neither my brother or myself are in need of her care, she is only potentially harmful to herself. 

She has a host of issues that render her disabled. She is going tomorrow for a doctor appointment for yet a new crazy set of symptoms of some potentially life changing illness. If I lost her today, I would be completely and totally devastated. We have worked so hard to build our relationship into what it is today. We have both gone through some really tough introspection and work in order to be where we are today. If I lost her today, I would be heartbroken.

If I lost my father today, I would lose all hope that somehow, someway, things would change. I cannot accept the way he is now into my life. I need him to own his actions, or in-actions. I have to know that he loves and accepts me for who I am. I cannot tolerate the negative ball of emotion that he is. I just cannot. I spent too many years crying over this relationship. 

So, for two completely different reasons, the aging and degeneration of my parents is really hitting me hard right now.  

Family Fun Night

              So last night was Family Fun Night at the girls' school. I took all three girls. The hubby stayed home, he wasn't feeling up to par, and had a really long day so I told him to just sit this one out and hang at home.  

Since coming to this school I have had a little bit of a hard time making friends.  I have made plenty of acquaintances, but real friends have been a little bit of an issue.  It's hard when you're coming into a group where most of the people have known each other for years, often the duration of the lives of their children.  Being the new Mom in town can make for a rough transition. 

Last night I talked to a few Moms that I see all the time, a few a rarely get a chance to speak with and even one or two that I have never met.  We were only there for a couple hours, but the girls had a blast, and I enjoyed the socializing.  I guess it was a success since my family had fun!

It did remind me though of how hard it has been to crack into this social scene.  It takes me right back to school when I would move and be the new kid.  It was so scary and intimidating to make new friends.  I am much more outgoing now than I was as a child and STILL it seems so frustrating.

Nevertheless, I had some great conversation last night, chatted up a friend about some fierce new shoes she was rockin', and the girls had a blast....so it was a success!

Personal Growth

We all have some part of ourselves that needs work, some sort of baggage.  Whether from our childhoods, a physical impairment, emotional one, etc.  Everyone has something.  When we find outselves in a relationship we have to look at that other person and ask, "Is there 'something' a thing I can live with forever?"  If the answer is yes, then we have a potential life long relationship.  If the answer is no, then there are some serious questions we need to ask ourselves about why we are with that person, and for how long we intend on wasting everyone's time. 

The thing about having personal issues is that whatever they are, the owner of the issues should be working on them.  Rome wasn't built in a day, but it was built!  I think it is very important that regardless of whatever issues we are willing to live with, we should all be striving to grow beyond those issues, with the help and support of our mate, family, friends. 

It is wonderful to accept people for who they are, it is vitally important, but it is equally important to be a support to them as they grow and learn more about themselves, life, human nature, whatever they need to learn about in order to grow. 

Life is about change, growth, learning.  Life is our teacher, and it is up to us to be the best students we can be.  Don't throw your education down the toilet by getting caught up in the baggage of your life, and not working on yourself every day. 

No one will treat you better than you treat yourself, that is my Dr. Philism of the day.  But it is true, if you treat yourself like you are a worthless piece of crap, why would anyone treat you any differently. 

Love yourself enough to find your self worth, and care for yourself like you would a newborn baby.  Don't neglect or abuse your body or your mind, they are the only ones you get in this lifetime, and they really need you to thrive.