Parents Aging...

I never thought at this age I would be dealing with having two sick parents. My parents are in their late 50's and each of them has a host of medical issues. I do not have a relationship with my father, but I am besties with my mother. I am not sure which is harder to stomach. 

I have reached out several times in my life to my father. He was very absent when I was a child, and it did a great deal of damage to my psyche. Through years of counseling and self-esteem building, I was finally able to resolve a great deal of my own issues from the absence. But when I think about the potential that he could die and we do not speak, it just boggles my mind. I have to wonder, would I be welcome at his funeral? Certainly not by my grandparents, but I would by my sisters, and probably my aunt. I have a good relationship with my sisters, but not with anyone else on that side of the family. My sisters and I have hit a few bumps in the road (mostly on my behalf) but we are in a good place now. I love them dearly, and I don't think they realize how much. 

Then there is my mother. I talk to her every day, at least once. When I was a child she was...well...there is no other way to say it, she was bat-shit crazy.  I thought she was bi-polar, manic, you name it, she was it. But over the years, she has changed.....some. She is still a little crazy, but now that neither my brother or myself are in need of her care, she is only potentially harmful to herself. 

She has a host of issues that render her disabled. She is going tomorrow for a doctor appointment for yet a new crazy set of symptoms of some potentially life changing illness. If I lost her today, I would be completely and totally devastated. We have worked so hard to build our relationship into what it is today. We have both gone through some really tough introspection and work in order to be where we are today. If I lost her today, I would be heartbroken.

If I lost my father today, I would lose all hope that somehow, someway, things would change. I cannot accept the way he is now into my life. I need him to own his actions, or in-actions. I have to know that he loves and accepts me for who I am. I cannot tolerate the negative ball of emotion that he is. I just cannot. I spent too many years crying over this relationship. 

So, for two completely different reasons, the aging and degeneration of my parents is really hitting me hard right now.