Talking About The Big D....And No I Don't Mean Dallas....

Today I had a conversation unlike any I have had in the past with my older two daughters concerning the divorce between myself and their father.  It came about completely benignly and I was totally caught off guard when I could see where our chat was going.  But I treaded lightly, did not need a stick, and I think I just had a really deep chat with my little ladies.

It all started when my oldest daughter began talking about a boy in her class who has been using a good deal of profanity this school year.  She said she was thinking about why he was doing this all of a sudden this year when in the years past he had not been one to use language like this.  We are talking dropping the F bomb here, and while many of you may think that I need to get out of my vanilla world and come to grips with 10-11 year olds using that language, I have my hopes for our youth.  I still hold true that if I am paying for private school tuition I should be able to expect certain behaviors to be off limits, but that is a whole other post.

Anyway, so my daughter tells me that this boy's parents got divorced last year, and ever since then he has been using foul language and had a bad attitude.  So she understood why he may be feeling a little angry.  Hmmm, this was food for thought.  This was a hard pill to swallow also.  Then, she made me feel better.  She goes on to say that while she understood his feelings it was no reason for him to act out and be rude to other people.  She said that even though her father and I are divorced she does not, and would not act out and be rude to other people because of that.  She said that if he has anger towards his parents for getting divorced then he should talk to them about that.  Out of the mouths of babes.  I wanted to cry.  Instead, I asked her the question that lead us down the next conversation, "How do you feel about Daddy and I getting divorced?  Do you feel angry?" 

Now I know that my daughters are among some of the most well adjusted children of divorce on the planet.  Others have confirmed to me how amazing these two girls have handled the situation, and it is because they have had a village to help them handle the situation.  We may not have done every thing right, but we loved those girls through everything and they know that they have nothing to do with our divorce.  That being said, I was very anxious to hear the answer to my question.  Is my child angry that her parents are divorced?

She ponders for a few minutes and then says, "I am not angry, but sometimes it does frustrate me, and it makes things more difficult sometimes."  I gave this some thought and realized, if that is the worst thing she has to say about the situation then she must be pretty okay.  She complained about the traffic driving down to where her Dad lives, which is certainly worth complaining about in this area.  She complained about the amount of weekend time she does not get with me, which I understand as well.  Mostly she complained about this because she wants more friend time.  I get that.  But she understands why we are not together, she sees we are better apart, and most importantly, she really truly understands that our divorce had nothing to do with her and her sister. 

We then went on to have a conversation about my relationship with my parents, which again is a whole other blog post, and talk more about divorce in general.  Both girls expressed displeasure with not being able to have both parents participate in things together, which I respect and understand.  I would love for that to be different, but my desire alone to have cohesion even in the face of divorce is not enough.  I can try to piece Humpty Dumpty back together, but if he won't cooperate nothing I do is going to stick. 

It is hard to be divorced, and even harder when it involves children.  I am so happy to be so connected to my kids.  They are my heart, my world.  I am so happy they do not burden their hearts with blame for their parents not being together.  I am so happy that they know they are loved by both their parents, their step-parents, and everyone in their family.  I am so happy that this occurrence has not stumped their emotional growth, and mostly I am happy that they know they can confide in me, and talk to me about their feelings.  I love my girls more than anything in the world, and I would lasso the moon for them if I could. 

Interviewed For The Washington Post Magazine.

EXTRA! EXTRA!  READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!


I was recently interviewed by Janice D'Arcy for an article about the division of labor in parenting.  She wrote a fabulous 4 page article about co-parenting, and the division of labor in regards to raising children. 

My two cents amounted to this,

 “I think feminism is one of the worst things for women, because we had totally mastered Donna Reed, home cooking and taking care of the kids thing, and then we ventured out into the workplace, which is great and all, and sent the message that women can do it all,” says Jaime Vargas-Benitez, a mother of three in Alexandria. She says she tried that model in her first marriage, but the stress took too deep a toll. In her second marriage, she and her husband decided to revert to the traditional dynamic. “We made the necessary sacrifices so I could stay home. ... In terms of kids, the division of labor is 90 percent me and 10 percent my husband.” It is working so well, she says, that she looks around incredulously at others who are trying to reinvent the wheel.

 

 

For those of you that think I must be one heck of a moron for saying feminism is one of the worst things to have happened to women, let me explain.  I believe in moderation, in all things.  I believe that women can have it all, but that it takes a family, a village, to raise children.  My mom was a single mom for a good while, she also was remarried.  A single mom does not raise her child/children by herself.  Somewhere along the way those kids are interacting with others, teachers, day care providers, family, friends. 

 

I believe that feminism gave women the belief that they HAD to be able to do EVERYTHING by themselves.  It gave women the notion that they should be able to not only manage the household, but that they should also be able to do so while having a career.  More importantly, I believe feminism gave women the idea that they should be able to do all these things and not have to sacrifice in any field.  That women should be able to work all day, have a clean house, drive the kids to school, soccer practice, cook healthy dinners, and still have something left at the end of the day to be a sex kitten for their hubby.  Now, I don't know about anyone else but I was exhausted by just typing all that. 

 

I believe that one parent should be home, all the time.  I believe that whenever possible children should be with one or both of their parents.  Now of course there are always extenuating circumstances, I know that.  But ideally, kids need their parents, always. 

 

I believe that feminism made women feel like asking for help from their counterpart meant showing weakness, showing insecurity, when in reality it says, "Hey, we made this family together, so can you help a sister out with some laundry?!?!" 

 

THAT is my point.  Men and women should work together in the house and out.  In my case, my husband makes more than enough for me to stay home, so the predominance of the housework and child rearing falls on me.  I am VERY okay with that.  I just make sure that I have some outlet...hi, have we met, this is my outlet right here. 

 

There needs to be balance in any home, in any person's life, not just women.  I believe in equality, absolutely, but I do not believe that equality, true equality was the outcome of feminism.  I believe it tipped the scales to the extreme in our society.  It was a campfire that slowly burned out of control until it no longer served to keep the people by it warm, but made them run screaming to avoid getting burned. 

 

I welcome your opinions, and would love to hear what you have to say about the article....I think it is a great read!!!

 

 



Missing My Kids

My two older girls are currently with their dad for the rest of their Christmas break.  I am at the point that I miss them terribly.  The energy in the house is different without them here.  It's not bad, just different.  They bring something to our family that is lacking when they are not here.  When my husband and I first got married, he was a little confused why I was so sad when they left. He said I should look at it as a break.  Now, he gets it because he feels it too.

Over the past couple years he has developed a bond with them that is unbreakable.  When they leave he misses them almost as much as I do.  I thought after the baby wss born it would be easier. Maybe at first it was, but that was short lived.  Now that the baby is a toddler it is rough all over again. The littlest sister looks for her big sissies all over the place.  She goes knocking on their doors while calling them.  It's adorable and sad too.

I keep hoping with time things will get easier. It has been a few years, so maybe in a few more it will ease.  The older they get, the more and more I love being around them.  Having a blended family is sometimes tough. Having some our family gone is hard. Maybe I can focus on tasks that are kore difficult with them here. It cannot hurt, that is for sure.

So, I sign off for tonight.  Counting the days until I can hug my growing girls again,

When Parents Disagree

The worst part of coparenting is the disagreements that occur. In our situation they happen a lot. I am usually made to look like the bad guy, When in reality the lack of communication is the biggest problem.  Instead of discussing problems I usually get what I call nasty grams. Criticisms of my parenting, without any productive conversations ever taking place.
Who suffers the most, the kids of course.  They internalize things, and that is not good for them. They should not continually have to pay for the actions or reactions of their parents.  We need to figure out how to get along well enough to be cordial to one another. Is it really that hard to just be respectful, really?! I will take the high road once again. I will respond in kindness, for the sake of my children.
I would love to now at what point the nastiness drops and we all just decide to get along for the sake of the kids.  We will not always agree, but we need to work together for  their sake.  Let go, and let God.

The Aftermath

Today the girls go to their Dad's for a week. I am going to miss them so much.  We had a great Christmas, and for that I am incredibly grateful.  I am looking forward to the New Year and  a geeat 2013! My mom also leaves today, what a sad day.  Goodbyes are never fun or easy, but are a necessary part of life.  Hopefully the time goes quickly and I am picking up my babies before I can miss them too much!

Blended Families....

I struggle often with how my divorce has effected my girls.  I know they are better off, because their father and I were just plain toxic together towards the end.  I struggle with how things now are going to impact their relationships.  The anger and animosity still sitting there has to have some negative impact on them, and that kills me.

During the holidays this feeling is stronger inside.  The more I try to be nice, and rach out olive branches, the more I feel like they are yanked from my hands and used to smack me with over the head.  I just do not understand.  Holding on to ill will, holding on to anger, letting negativity eat you alive, it just is not healthy. 

I pray every day that the kids continue on the paths they seem to be on in spite of everything.  I pray every day that they flourish in wake of the crumbled family unit that we had.  We have both moved on, remarried, had more kids, and yet, the negativity does not end.  I just do not get it.  It makes me sad for my children more than anything.  I personally do not care what someone thinks of me, but when we have to raise children together, it makes a difference how that person treats me in front of those children.  It changes who they are, Dr. Phil taught me that. 

So for Christmas this year, I want peace.  Peace of mind, peace of heart, peace of soul.  Not just for me, but for my children, and everyone.  I want peace, Santa do you hear me? 

Working From Home

It is a job just trying to find work to do from home.  I feel like I could put in more hours looking than I could actually doing whatever work I end up doing.  Searching, researching to make sure companies are legitimate, looking for as many leads as I can find, checking out the lead sources.  It is a job just trying to find a job!

I am not sure how much time I have right now to devote to working, but as Gabs is getting a little older, and will be able to occupy herself a little more without needing me or boobie in her face constantly, I would like to be able to build up a little niche of time to devote to working from home.  Now, if I can only find the opportunity I am looking for, my proverbial needle in a haystack!

Scrambled Eggs in Pita

This morning my 7 year old proclaimed that she wanted the same thing for breakfast this morning as yesterday.  This would be scrambled eggs inside of a toasted pita....with a little Italian cheese in the eggs. 
This time though, she wanted to be the "assistant chef."  I cracked enough eggs for her, her sister, and my hubby (who is still upstairs sleeping with the baby...lol).  She scrambled and I toasted the pitas...added the cheese.  She informed me that I make eggs different than Daddy.  Well there is a surprise, we do a lot of things differently.
She is growing up so fast.  She is my itty bitty...meaning, she is really tiny for her age.  At almost 8, in August, she weighs 40 pounds, and is a little over 3 1/2 feet tall.  She has always been on the small side.  This means that often times it is harder for her to do things that her peers can do easily. 
This was a great morning for me...cooking with my itty bitty!

Support Groups for Kids

Have you ever thought, gosh my kid needs a support group for _______.  When I got divorced I thought maybe I would need to find some outlet, some group, some something for my girls to be able to handle the breaking apart of their family.  Thankfully, they were able handle things pretty well.  They were fairly young, 5 &3 when we separated.  It was hard, but manageable.  In the end, they are happier and healthier mentally for it.  We have both moved on and remarried, and had more kids.  The girls are surrounded by people who love them, and thrive in sharing their love with us all as well.

It is not this easy for many children of divorce.  There have been times that things between myself and my ex got ugly, there will be more times too, I am almost certain.  But for the most part we both do a good job of not letting the kids be hit by it.  We keep it between ourselves, and put on the good ole happy face in front of the children. 

The thing I struggle with the most is that my girls have had to pay the biggest consequences for our choices.  I will probably struggle with that until the day I die.  I accept it, but I cannot help sometimes to feel that twinge of guilt over it.  I just thank God that they are happy, healthy, well adjusted girls.  I love them with all my heart, and want the very best for them, for us all. 

Children need an outlet for their feelings.  Whether we involve them in sports, arts, church, therapy, etc.  They, just like we adults, need a niche in their world that is for them.  A place where they can just be themselves, and be accepted and nurtured for who they are, outside of the home.  Whether the child is a brainiac, or a jock, an artist, or a poet.  Everyone needs a place to express themselves freely, openly, and without ridicule. 

Every child needs love.

It's me again Margaret....

So I guess I took a little impromptu hiatus...sorry folks.  Being pregnant, planning a church ceremony, having two great little girls, and the family pup home with me all Summer, while pregnant, had me a little tied up...sometimes literally.  But I am back to my regularly scheduled blogging, and hope to keep up with things, eventhough I am currently 34 weeks pregnant.  It's hard for me to be too active, so why not blog, right?? 
My girls are spending the next two weeks with their Dad, which means, it's just me, the hubs, and the pup, and of course, the resident in my womb...lol.  Some people say to me, "Well, at least you get a break."  You know what, I don't look at it that way.  I have two amazing girls, and a great hubby, so I really don't ever feel like I need them to go away.  That being said, I miss them like crazy, and often find it very emotionally trying when they are not here.
I think that comes from how I define myself.  I know we are not supposed to lose ourselves in the titles we hold, but I truly define myself as a Mom, not in totality, I do have other hats obviously...but I am Mom.  It is ingrained in my being, there is nothing I can do about that, nor would I.  But it does make it harder to say goodbye to them for extended periods.  So, what do I do to cope?!?!  Well, I usually try to save projects that I know they have no interest in, or at least would be more of a hindrance than a help with, for when they are gone.  At least that way, I feel productive, and fill my time pretty well when they are not here.  Soon enough, the new little baby will be here and I will be searching for time to get certain things done...but for now, that is what I do.
It's hard starting over, we are all certainly better off, God knows that, but it has been more challenging than even I imagined.  The girls have handled life's circumstances so well...I admire their strength...and I am proud that they are my daugthters. 

Blending Families

As I stated in my introduction, my family is a blended family.  My husband and I have been married for almost a year, and my daughter are the products of my first marriage, which lasted about 11 years.  I was a military/government wife, and funny enough, my hubby also works for "the man."

When I first met my now husband, he was leery of dating a woman with a child, let alone two kids.  But, after getting to know, and fall in love with me, and I with him....it came time for him to meet my girls. 

I think he fell in love with them even faster than he did with me.  My girls are pretty darn well behaved, because I have always had that expectation of them, even through the divorce.  I never slacked off out of feeling guilty of their family falling apart.  On the contrary, I looked at it like this, it is my OBLIGATION to my kids to keep the same consistency in their lives as much as possible.  They had the same rules, same bedtime, same routine. 

I feel like too many people nowadays let their kids run the show.  They do not instill discipline in them.  I have never laid a hand on my kids.  I use time outs and then I talk to them, and make them follow-up afterwards with an apology, and reparations for their actions. 

If one of my daughters says something mean to the other, they will get warned, talked to, and if they do it again, they go to their room where they are to sit and wait for me....not play with toys, sit there.  I talk to them about what they said, or did, and then they are to apologize for what they did, and make sure the other one is okay. 

My girls are learning to use their voices to communicate their needs, wants, opinions, ideas, etc.  If they have a problem with a friend, I advise them to talk directly to the friend!  If something happens, confront the situation head on, not in a negative way, but directly. 

It has not been easy to blend our family, every day is a work in progress, but I think we would all agree that it has gone as smoothly as it could have possibly gone considering all the circumstances involved.  Now, we just have to adjust to adding a baby to the mix, no big thing, right?!?!

Do you have a blended family?  Please feel free to share your experiences!!  Ask questions, lend advice to me, or others reading....use your voice!