Talking About The Big D....And No I Don't Mean Dallas....

Today I had a conversation unlike any I have had in the past with my older two daughters concerning the divorce between myself and their father.  It came about completely benignly and I was totally caught off guard when I could see where our chat was going.  But I treaded lightly, did not need a stick, and I think I just had a really deep chat with my little ladies.

It all started when my oldest daughter began talking about a boy in her class who has been using a good deal of profanity this school year.  She said she was thinking about why he was doing this all of a sudden this year when in the years past he had not been one to use language like this.  We are talking dropping the F bomb here, and while many of you may think that I need to get out of my vanilla world and come to grips with 10-11 year olds using that language, I have my hopes for our youth.  I still hold true that if I am paying for private school tuition I should be able to expect certain behaviors to be off limits, but that is a whole other post.

Anyway, so my daughter tells me that this boy's parents got divorced last year, and ever since then he has been using foul language and had a bad attitude.  So she understood why he may be feeling a little angry.  Hmmm, this was food for thought.  This was a hard pill to swallow also.  Then, she made me feel better.  She goes on to say that while she understood his feelings it was no reason for him to act out and be rude to other people.  She said that even though her father and I are divorced she does not, and would not act out and be rude to other people because of that.  She said that if he has anger towards his parents for getting divorced then he should talk to them about that.  Out of the mouths of babes.  I wanted to cry.  Instead, I asked her the question that lead us down the next conversation, "How do you feel about Daddy and I getting divorced?  Do you feel angry?" 

Now I know that my daughters are among some of the most well adjusted children of divorce on the planet.  Others have confirmed to me how amazing these two girls have handled the situation, and it is because they have had a village to help them handle the situation.  We may not have done every thing right, but we loved those girls through everything and they know that they have nothing to do with our divorce.  That being said, I was very anxious to hear the answer to my question.  Is my child angry that her parents are divorced?

She ponders for a few minutes and then says, "I am not angry, but sometimes it does frustrate me, and it makes things more difficult sometimes."  I gave this some thought and realized, if that is the worst thing she has to say about the situation then she must be pretty okay.  She complained about the traffic driving down to where her Dad lives, which is certainly worth complaining about in this area.  She complained about the amount of weekend time she does not get with me, which I understand as well.  Mostly she complained about this because she wants more friend time.  I get that.  But she understands why we are not together, she sees we are better apart, and most importantly, she really truly understands that our divorce had nothing to do with her and her sister. 

We then went on to have a conversation about my relationship with my parents, which again is a whole other blog post, and talk more about divorce in general.  Both girls expressed displeasure with not being able to have both parents participate in things together, which I respect and understand.  I would love for that to be different, but my desire alone to have cohesion even in the face of divorce is not enough.  I can try to piece Humpty Dumpty back together, but if he won't cooperate nothing I do is going to stick. 

It is hard to be divorced, and even harder when it involves children.  I am so happy to be so connected to my kids.  They are my heart, my world.  I am so happy they do not burden their hearts with blame for their parents not being together.  I am so happy that they know they are loved by both their parents, their step-parents, and everyone in their family.  I am so happy that this occurrence has not stumped their emotional growth, and mostly I am happy that they know they can confide in me, and talk to me about their feelings.  I love my girls more than anything in the world, and I would lasso the moon for them if I could. 

Blended Families....

I struggle often with how my divorce has effected my girls.  I know they are better off, because their father and I were just plain toxic together towards the end.  I struggle with how things now are going to impact their relationships.  The anger and animosity still sitting there has to have some negative impact on them, and that kills me.

During the holidays this feeling is stronger inside.  The more I try to be nice, and rach out olive branches, the more I feel like they are yanked from my hands and used to smack me with over the head.  I just do not understand.  Holding on to ill will, holding on to anger, letting negativity eat you alive, it just is not healthy. 

I pray every day that the kids continue on the paths they seem to be on in spite of everything.  I pray every day that they flourish in wake of the crumbled family unit that we had.  We have both moved on, remarried, had more kids, and yet, the negativity does not end.  I just do not get it.  It makes me sad for my children more than anything.  I personally do not care what someone thinks of me, but when we have to raise children together, it makes a difference how that person treats me in front of those children.  It changes who they are, Dr. Phil taught me that. 

So for Christmas this year, I want peace.  Peace of mind, peace of heart, peace of soul.  Not just for me, but for my children, and everyone.  I want peace, Santa do you hear me? 

It's me again Margaret....

So I guess I took a little impromptu hiatus...sorry folks.  Being pregnant, planning a church ceremony, having two great little girls, and the family pup home with me all Summer, while pregnant, had me a little tied up...sometimes literally.  But I am back to my regularly scheduled blogging, and hope to keep up with things, eventhough I am currently 34 weeks pregnant.  It's hard for me to be too active, so why not blog, right?? 
My girls are spending the next two weeks with their Dad, which means, it's just me, the hubs, and the pup, and of course, the resident in my womb...lol.  Some people say to me, "Well, at least you get a break."  You know what, I don't look at it that way.  I have two amazing girls, and a great hubby, so I really don't ever feel like I need them to go away.  That being said, I miss them like crazy, and often find it very emotionally trying when they are not here.
I think that comes from how I define myself.  I know we are not supposed to lose ourselves in the titles we hold, but I truly define myself as a Mom, not in totality, I do have other hats obviously...but I am Mom.  It is ingrained in my being, there is nothing I can do about that, nor would I.  But it does make it harder to say goodbye to them for extended periods.  So, what do I do to cope?!?!  Well, I usually try to save projects that I know they have no interest in, or at least would be more of a hindrance than a help with, for when they are gone.  At least that way, I feel productive, and fill my time pretty well when they are not here.  Soon enough, the new little baby will be here and I will be searching for time to get certain things done...but for now, that is what I do.
It's hard starting over, we are all certainly better off, God knows that, but it has been more challenging than even I imagined.  The girls have handled life's circumstances so well...I admire their strength...and I am proud that they are my daugthters. 

Blending Families

As I stated in my introduction, my family is a blended family.  My husband and I have been married for almost a year, and my daughter are the products of my first marriage, which lasted about 11 years.  I was a military/government wife, and funny enough, my hubby also works for "the man."

When I first met my now husband, he was leery of dating a woman with a child, let alone two kids.  But, after getting to know, and fall in love with me, and I with him....it came time for him to meet my girls. 

I think he fell in love with them even faster than he did with me.  My girls are pretty darn well behaved, because I have always had that expectation of them, even through the divorce.  I never slacked off out of feeling guilty of their family falling apart.  On the contrary, I looked at it like this, it is my OBLIGATION to my kids to keep the same consistency in their lives as much as possible.  They had the same rules, same bedtime, same routine. 

I feel like too many people nowadays let their kids run the show.  They do not instill discipline in them.  I have never laid a hand on my kids.  I use time outs and then I talk to them, and make them follow-up afterwards with an apology, and reparations for their actions. 

If one of my daughters says something mean to the other, they will get warned, talked to, and if they do it again, they go to their room where they are to sit and wait for me....not play with toys, sit there.  I talk to them about what they said, or did, and then they are to apologize for what they did, and make sure the other one is okay. 

My girls are learning to use their voices to communicate their needs, wants, opinions, ideas, etc.  If they have a problem with a friend, I advise them to talk directly to the friend!  If something happens, confront the situation head on, not in a negative way, but directly. 

It has not been easy to blend our family, every day is a work in progress, but I think we would all agree that it has gone as smoothly as it could have possibly gone considering all the circumstances involved.  Now, we just have to adjust to adding a baby to the mix, no big thing, right?!?!

Do you have a blended family?  Please feel free to share your experiences!!  Ask questions, lend advice to me, or others reading....use your voice!